


Quarter Life Crisis

by captainevilpants



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Get Together, Marauders, Marauders AU, Marauders' Era, Remus is an idiot, SO MUCH FLUFF, Sirius is an idiot, and a wee bit of smut at the end, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-12 04:45:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13539954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainevilpants/pseuds/captainevilpants
Summary: Remus is straight, Sirius is gay and that's the gospel truth.That is, until Remus walks in on Sirius snogging his new boyfriend on their couch and Remus starts to feel...weird. Desperate to figure out a way to stop feeling so goddamn angry anytime Gideon comes within five feet of Sirius, Remus goes to James and Lily for advice. James and Lily, in their infinite wisdom, patiently and systematically explain that what Remus is feeling is not internalized homophobia, but jealousy.In the end, it turns out Remus doesn't have any issues with Sirius kissing guys if it's him he's kissing.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ((Based off of this article from Gay Star News:
> 
> https://www.gaystarnews.com/article/straight-guy-worries-hes-homophobic-gay-roommate-ends-falling-love/#gs.RiiR9eU ))
> 
> I promise to actually finish this. Like, a serious pinky promise. For real guys. I solemnly swear I will finish this fic. 
> 
> (...probably)

Remus banged open the door to his flat, kicking off his shoes and chucking his keys into the ceramic dish. Out of habit, he shuffled into the kitchen and put the kettle on, going through the motions of fixing his traditional evening tea.

 

But as his body moved automatically through familiar steps, his mind was slogging through the conversation he had just left with his girlfriend, Alice. Well. Ex-girlfriend.

 

_Alice was watching him intently from across the table. Her hands were folded neatly in front of her, and she made a point to look him square in the eye. “Can you honestly say you’re happy?” she asked softly._

_  
Remus looked at her, mouth open and ready to argue. But the counterpoints he was expecting to spill from his lips never came, and he realized the argument he was about to make to save their relationship didn’t actually exist at all._

_“I’m not unhappy,” he said. “But, I’m not really happy either.” It was the truth. Their relationship was fine—not good, not bad. Instead, it just existed, patched together out of convenience and habit. He finally looked up from his hands, and was surprised to see Alice was smiling at him._

_She reached across the table and patted his arm affectionately. “No, I’m not unhappy either,” she agreed. “But it’s not supposed to be like this, is it? I mean, neither of us is even that upset at the prospect of not being together.”_

_“Yeah,” Remus agreed. “I’m sorry.”_

_Alice shrugged, “it’s not your fault. Sometimes shit just doesn’t work out.”_

Remus placed two mugs down on the counter, and plopped teabags into both. The split was the best for both of them, he knew, but he was surprised he didn’t feel more upset. After he left the café, he had braced himself for an onslaught of emotions. But it never came. The entire walk home he found himself absent-mindedly thinking about what he and Sirius would order for take-away.

 

His thoughts were interrupted by loud footsteps outside. He hurried to finish the two mugs of tea, one with honey and one with an obscene amount of milk and sugar. He heard the front door open, and keys being thrown into the ceramic dish. 

 

“Oi,” Sirius shouted.

 

“Kitchen,” he shouted back, placing the mugs of steaming tea on the table.

 

He plopped into a chair and waited for Sirius to come in properly before starting his tea. He heard Sirius banging around a bit in the entryway, discarding his jacket, motorcycle helmet and shoes. After a few minutes, Sirius burst through the kitchen door, looking rather grumpy. When he spotted Remus and the two teas, his face burst into a ridiculous grin, and Remus returned it happily.

 

“My day was absolutely shite,” Sirius announced dramatically. He pointed at the mug of milky tea. “Is that for me?”

 

Remus rolled his eyes at the charade. They had tea together after work every single day, and Sirius always asked him if the disgusting milky tea was for him. “Course it is,” he responded. “Who else would it be for?”

 

Sirius collapsed into a rickety kitchen chair, and tied his long hair into a messy bun. “Dunno,” he said. “It’s Friday. Alice is usually over, fussing over the take away menus.”

 

Remus realized this was probably the moment he should mention the break up, but was too wrapped up in their little after work tea ritual. “She takes her tea without milk, like a sane human,” he said instead. “Why was your day bad?”

 

“Eh, just the usual. A bloke had a broken transmission and was convinced I overcharged him,” Sirius rolled his eyes. “He threatened to report me to the Yelp Authorities, and I told him to go right ahead, seeing as they don’t actually exist.”

 

Sirius took a big swig of his tea before continuing. “Then he asked me to step outside. And I told him, while I was of course extremely flattered by his proposal, I don’t shag men who drive Tesla’s.”

 

Remus chuckled, reaching across the table to tuck a stray bit of hair back into Sirius’ bun. Sirius smiled and leaned into his hand.

 

“Such a charmer Pads,” Remus teased.

 

“Yeah, well. Lily knocked a couple dollars off his bill and saw him out. It’s unbelievable how she can make customers like her even as she’s kicking them out of the shop,” Sirius shrugged.

 

Remus nodded and took a long gulp of tea, closing his eyes and taking a moment to relish the warm brew. When he looked up from his cup, Sirius was staring at him over the brim of his own mug.

 

“Anyway, how was your day,” Sirius asked, cheeks a bit pink.

 

“Mmm it was fine,” Remus responded. “Gave lessons, reprimanded students for shoddy pranks and undone ties. The usual. Oh, and Alice and I split up.”

 

Sirius spluttered into his tea. Remus calmly handed him a napkin from the ceramic cow in the center of the table. “What?” Sirius said, accepting the napkin gratefully. Why?”

 

Remus shrugged. “It’s been a long time coming, honestly. I’m not fussed.”

 

Sirius studied him for a moment, apparently waiting for Remus to burst into tears or flip the table or punch the wall. After a solid minute of silence, save for the occasional sip of tea, Sirius finally said, “are you…well. You don’t seem particularly upset about it.”

 

“It was fairly mutual,” Remus said. “We just sort of fell apart naturally.”

 

Sirius grunted, but was still looking at Remus like he might spontaneously combust.

 

“Honestly, I’m surprised how calmly you’re taking this,” Remus said. “When Dorcas Meadows ditched me in sixth form you threatened to swap her hair conditioner for hair remover, and I quote, “defend my virginal honor.”

 

Sirius smiled fondly at the memory. “Yeah, well need I remind you that she broke up with you over _instant messenger._ Honestly, who does that?”

 

“Better instant messenger then pretending to move to _Canada_ ,” Remus replied.

 

Sirius eyes grew wide, his face the picture of mock betrayal. He pointed an accusing finger at Remus. “Hey, that was technically true.”

 

“We were going on a school trip for a _week_ not applying for a green card.”

 

“This is off topic,” Sirius snapped. “I was making such a good point. What was the point again?”

 

“I believe the overall topic was my virginal honor. Your point was…still unclear.”

  
Sirius looked lost in thought for a moment, tapping his finger thoughtfully against his chin. “Right. Well, your honor was destroyed a long time ago by your sweater vest collection,” Sirius gestured at Remus’ sweater-clad chest. “As seen by Exhibit A.”

 

“Oi,” Remus snapped back in mock annoyance. “I’ll have you know sweater vests are all the rage at school. Everyone is wearing them.”

 

Sirius rolled his eyes. “That’s because there’s a dress code Moony. Which you follow despite the fact you graduated a decade ago and are now, in fact, a teacher. Think of the fashion choices available to you now.”

 

“I am _not_ wearing tweed. There is a line Sirius, and that line is elbow patches.”

 

Sirius took a final gulp of tea before standing and walking to drop his dirty mug in the sink. “Fine Moony, have it your way.”

 

Remus watched as Sirius planted both palms on a relatively uncluttered section of counter. “Anyway,” Sirius continued. “Back to my original point.”  
  
Without further explanation, he launched himself onto the counter. Once he regained his balance, he stood up and opened one of the higher cupboards.

 

“And what, pray tell, is the original point? Standing on the furniture?” Remus watched as Sirius made a desperate attempt to swipe a bottle off the top shelf.

 

“Har, har,” Sirius retorted. “No, we’re going to get you nice and sloshed on the good whiskey. You know, the one you’ve been squirrelling away, hidden behind the terrible rum Prongs brought us back from his honeymoon.”

 

After watching Sirius make another failed attempt to snag the bottle, Remus snorted, and stood up. He walked over to the counter and tapped Sirius’ calf lightly. “You could’ve just asked me,” he said. “I can reach that shelf without resorting to kitchen gymnastics.”

 

Sirius looked down at Remus over his shoulder. “But I know how you love to stare at my arse, dear,” he gave his hips a little wiggle. “Really, this is totally unselfish, act of charity really.”

 

Remus patted Sirius’ bum affectionately. “It is rather nice,” he said seriously. “Lovely shape. Wonder what it would be like to…”

 

He slapped Sirius’ upper thigh, not too hard, but hard enough to earn girly squeal of indignation out of Sirius.

  
“Oi, at least buy a chap a drink before slapping his arse,” Sirius said, batting Remus’ hand away.

 

“You’re the one wiggling it in my face!” Remus exclaimed. “Now get off the counter before you kill yourself or break your pretty face.”

 

Sirius continued to wiggle his hips at him as he rummaged around the top shelf. “Your words love, not mine. Aha!” Sirius said triumphantly. “Got it!”

 

“Good,” Remus said. In one deft motion, he grabbed Sirius around the waist and pulled him off the counter. “Get off the counter, you mangy mutt.”

 

Sirius landed in Remus’ arms neatly, a look of indignation on his face. “Just because you’re the size of an ent doesn’t mean you can use your powers for evil,” Sirius declared. “Now put me down, Treebeard.”

 

Remus dropped Sirius unceremoniously on the hard tiled floor. “Ouch!” Sirius cried. “Be gentle Moony, I’m fragile.”

 

Sirius stood up, brushing imaginary particles of dust off his trousers. “Now I was going to use my bad day as an excuse to choose tonight’s movie, but seeing as you’ve just been tragically ditched by your girlfriend, I’ll concede that privilege to you.”

 

“Oh, ta Pads. Your generosity is truly touching,” Remus said, plucking a couple of glasses out of the drying rack. “It was my turn to pick anyway. I’m going to make us watch _The Princess Bride._ Again.”

 

Remus stalked out of the kitchen and into the living room. He plopped down on the couch and pulled out his phone to order food. “Are you ok with pizza? Or does Wesley’s mustache put you more in the mood for something else?”

 

Sirius walked into the living room, carrying the whiskey and a bag of crisps. “Jokes on you Moons, Wesley’s mustache puts me in the mood for absolutely everything.” He winked suggestively and sat down in Remus’ lap.

 

“Your libido is truly a marvel Padfoot.” Remus shoved Sirius so he was more in his own seat. “Honestly how do you get by without bringing home dates?”

 

“Who needs a boyfriend when they’ve already got a swot sitting at home, fixing tea and ordering pizza?”

 

Sirius wiggled into the couch, finding a more comfortable spot. He let his head fall against Remus’ shoulder, and Remus’ free hand automatically went to Sirius’ hair.

 

***

 

Two hours, one bottle of whiskey and a pizza later, Wesley and Buttercup were kissing. Sirius had his head in Remus’ lap, and Remus was running his hands through Sirius’ hair.

 

“It’s so romantic,” Remus sighed.

 

Sirius hummed in agreement, rolling over in Remus’ lap so he was looking up at him. Remus looked down from the screen, and smiled at Sirius’ sleepy expression. He ran his fingers over Sirius’ forehead lightly, and Sirius closed his eyes, sighing happily. They were both quiet for a few minutes, enjoying the calmness they found in each other’s company.

 

Remus slowly became lost in his own thoughts, thinking about Buttercup and Alice and love. Would he ever have an earth-shattering kiss like Wesley’s and Buttercups? He had always enjoyed kissing Alice, but it had never felt particularly important or significant. In fact, it hadn’t really made him feel anything at all, which now that he was thinking about it, was probably a problem.

 

“Have you ever had a kiss like that?” he asked quietly.

 

Sirius opened one eye blearily and peered up at him in confusion. “What?”

 

“Have you ever had a kiss like the one in the film,” he repeated.

 

“Mmm not really,” Sirius said. “I guess you have to love the person or whatever. For it to feel like that.”

 

“So you’ve never been in love?”

 

Remus was surprised he asked the question at all, but he found himself immensely interested in the answer. He and Sirius had been friends for years, and Remus had met practically every person Sirius had dated. The dates were few and far between, and he had never had a boyfriend, at least that Remus knew about.

 

Sirius looked up at him, expression unreadable. “I didn’t say that,” he responded slowly.

 

“So you have been in love?”

God what was wrong with him? Why was he suddenly so interested in Sirius’ romantic life? Remus knew he was pushing the conversation too far. For one, Sirius was looking at him like he had grown a third arm. He had always been strangely private about his love life, and Remus had respected that. Until now, apparently.

 

“Why do you want to know?” Sirius sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

 

Remus didn’t respond. He couldn’t, because he didn’t know the answer. Sirius stared at him, not angrily, but with an edge of defensiveness. “I don’t know,” Remus said quietly. “I guess. I just wanted to know. You don’t mention anybody, but if you had…I’d have known him right?”

 

Sirius continued to stare at him for a long moment, and Remus forced himself to hold his gaze. Why was his heart pounding so loudly? Sirius could surely hear it, and would know Remus was nervous. But why was he nervous? What did it matter if Sirius had been in love? Or was in love now?

 

Remus wiped his palms on his jeans and swallowed. His throat felt dry and he absent-mindedly wondered if it would be rude to get up for water. Sirius finally shook his head, smiling strangely. “Sorry,” he said. “Sorry.”

 

“Don’t be,” Remus mumbled. “I shouldn’t have asked.”

“No, it’s fine,” Sirius said. “You just caught me off guard. Your head rubs could put an insomniac to sleep.”

 

Remus forced out a laugh. Sirius was staring at a point slightly beyond Remus’ left ear.

 

“But yeah,” Sirius whispered. “Yeah, I have been in love.”

 

Sirius eyes flickered back to Remus’. “Oh,” Remus wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say next. “Well that’s good.”

 

Sirius continued to stare at him, clearly expecting him to keep asking questions. After a pregnant pause, Sirius stood up, stretching animatedly. “Well, I think I’m ready for bed.”

 

Without another word, he walked down the hallway and into his bedroom. Remus heard the door click closed, and then it hit him.

 

With who?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus is fine. Really. He's fine. He just doesn't want to see Sirius kiss other people. That's a totally normal thing to feel about your platonic best friend. Right? 
> 
> Sirius is not fine, and he makes sure Remus knows it's his fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the fastest I have ever updated anything. Two chapters in two days? AND part of chapter three already done? Look at this little engine go. 
> 
> TW for some homophobic language and abusive past mention.

Remus woke up the next morning with a splitting headache and only a distant, fuzzy memory of what had happened the night before. He stared at the ceiling for a few minutes, trying to conjure up something more than Carey Grant and whiskey. Eventually he rolled out of bed and shuffled into the bathroom. He turned on the tap and stuck his face under the facet.

 

As he chugged large mouthfuls of water directly from the sink, more concrete memories of the previous night began floating through his mind. _That was weird of me._ He opened the mirror and took out his toothbrush. _But I was probably just drunk and emotional after the break up._ He squeezed toothpaste onto the brush, determinedly not thinking about how completely unbothered he had been about the split. _Just wanted something to take my mind off my own misfortunes._

  
He decided to apologize to Sirius for being an overly curious drunk, and ignore the weird feeling that had settled in the pit of his stomach. Satisfied with his flimsy excuses and compartmentalizing, he scrubbed his teeth.

 

By the time Remus was on his second cup of tea and third piece of toast, Sirius emerged from his room. He slouched into the kitchen in just his pyjama bottoms and looked around dumbly. After a moment, he snatched Remus’ tea off the table and took a healthy swig.

  
“Ugh,” he mumbled. “You’re disgusting.”

 

“Then make your own instead of stealing mine if you don’t like it,” Remus replied. He shut the book he was reading and looked up at Sirius.

 

“Look, about last night—“ But Sirius cut him off before he could get any further.

 

“Nah it’s fine,” Sirius said, waving a hand carelessly. “I was just half asleep and half drunk.”

 

Remus nodded, “alright.” He thumbed the binding of his book, and the weird weight in his stomach pulsed uncomfortably.

 

“Is there anything else you wanted to know?” Sirius asked.

 

Remus looked up at him. Sirius was looking down, head cocked to the side like a puppy. Remus smiled at him and shook his head. “Nah,” he said. “I think I just wanted to…check. James has Lily, Peter has, well. Baking, I suppose.”

 

Sirius chuckled, his eyes crinkling at the corners. Peter was an adamant aromantic, dedicated to a life of making impossibly delicate and delicious French pastries.

 

“Most of our friends have someone, but then there’s us,” Remus mused.

  
“Then there’s us?” Sirius repeated, a note of confusion in his voice.

 

“You know,” Remus said. “Perpetually single, live together. We’re like the sad dowager aunts in a Victorian novel, destined for a life of spinsterhood and cats.”

 

“There’s no way in hell you’d convince me to get a cat,” Sirius turned around, still carrying Remus’ tea. “It’s a dog or nothing.”

 

Remus felt his shoulders relax, relieved to be back to the usual teasing tone he and Sirius used with one another. “Whatever you say dear,” Remus called after Sirius’ retreating back.

  
Then, he went about making another cup of tea, this time with milk. And not more than five minutes later, Sirius was barging back into the kitchen, ranting about the vile swill Remus called tea.

 

 

A couple weeks passed by uneventfully. Remus and Sirius went about their lives in a familiar pattern—evening tea, Friday night movies in, taking Harry to the park on Sundays. Remus had almost completely forgotten about the breakup with Alice and subsequent drunken conversation with Sirius. The weird weight in his chest had faded a bit, or at least became easier to write off as stress from work or fear of dying alone or something equally trivial.

 

All was well. At least, until That Terrible Friday. Remus was already in a sour mood. It was Parent Teacher Conferences at school, and the administration had cruelly scheduled his most ill behaved student for the last time slot. The meeting had run over, and Remus still had to finish his end of term marking. He sent a quick text to Sirius, (marking is taking me ages, be home never) to which Sirius replied (this is what you get for not taking maths seriously in school, oh great literature snob).

 

It was almost midnight by the time he got home. He knew things would have gone a lot faster if he could actually calculate end of term marks properly the first time, instead of having to double check everything. But there was a very good and simple reason he was an English teacher, not a maths teacher. He was absolute pants at maths.

 

Remus opened the front door, and paused. When Sirius didn’t call out, he knew he must already be asleep, and was careful to be quiet as he toed off his trainers and placed his keys in the dish.

 

He walked into the kitchen to start the kettle, and thought he heard the television on in the other room. He padded into the living room, expecting to find Sirius asleep and snoring on the couch in front of some trashy reality show.

 

Instead, he walked into the living room to find Sirius horizontal on the couch, being thoroughly snogged by a vaguely familiar ginger man. Unfortunately, his shock was completely silent, and the couple was blissfully unaware a third person had entered the room.

 

“Oh, shit.” Remus blurted it out before his mind could catch up with his mouth.

 

Sirius and the man looked up at him wearing twin expressions of surprise. _Gideon Prewett_ Remus’ brain provided randomly. _From the pub league._

 

Gideon and Sirius struggled for a moment to extricate themselves from one another. In Sirius’ haste to sit up, he accidentally knocked Gideon off the couch. Gideon fell to the floor with a light _thump_ and gave Remus a little wave from the floor.

 

“Hey Remus,” Gideon said cheerfully. “Nice to see you again. Though it would’ve been nicer without the throat punch.”

  
“Oops, sorry Gid.” Sirius pulled Gideon back onto the couch by the collar. Gideon settled back in next to Sirius. Remus felt like the weight in his stomach might explode..

 

“Sorry,” Remus mumbled. “It’s been a long day, you surprised me.”

 

“Yeah,” Sirius said sympathetically. “Sorry conferences were such a drag. I was bummed actually, I had wanted tonight to be the night you and Gideon met finally.”

 

Remus raised an eyebrow. “But…we’ve already met,” he said, clearly missing something obvious.

 

Sirius rolled his eyes and looked at Remus like he was a particularly slow toddler. “Yeah,” he said slowly. “But we’ve been dating for a few weeks. I thought it might be nice for you guys to meet again, you know. Now that Gideon’s my boyfriend.”

 

 _Boyfriend._ The word echoed strangely around in Remus’ brain, refusing to stick. He was definitely going to vomit. “Oh.”

 

“But, I suppose we can just do that next week,” Sirius said with a shrug.

  
“Nah,” Gideon said, nudging Sirius with his knee. “I told my sister I’d watch the kids next Friday. But I can do the park with you guys next Sunday.”  


Sirius beamed, bouncing a little in his excitement. “That’s great!” he exclaimed. Remus privately disagreed. Sundays were the days Remus, and Sirius took Harry to the park. It was _their_ time together.

 

“You should invite Molly too. I think Ron is around Harry’s age,” Sirius said thoughtfully. He apparently did not share Remus’ views on the exclusivity of the park.

 

“Sure,” Gideon said, leaning over to give Sirius a peck on the cheek. “Whatever you want babes.”

 

Remus opened his mouth to say something, probably using profanities and definitely very rude, but was interrupted by the kettle whistling loudly. He bustled back to the kitchen to turn it off. He heard Sirius and Gideon saying their goodbyes, and a few minutes later, Sirius joined him, thankfully alone.

 

“Sorry we gave you a bit of a fright,” Sirius said again.

 

Remus gave a grunt of acknowledgement, but wasn’t really feeling up to talking about it. His irrational anger and nausea had thankfully subsided, but every time the image of Gideon pressing Sirius down into their shitty second hand sofa, he wanted to punch something. Preferably Gideon.

 

He felt Sirius come up behind him and put a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Are you ok?” Sirius said softly.

 

Remus shrugged out of Sirius’ touch and took a small step away from him. “M’fine,” he lied. “Just knackered. Parent teacher conferences are a bitch.”

 

He shuffled out of the kitchen and down the hallway. “Ok,” Sirius said, sounding totally unconvinced. “Well goodnight.”

 

“Yeah,” Remus opened his bedroom door, grateful to escape finally. “’Night.”

 

The next morning, Remus hid in his bedroom. He was starving, having skipped dinner the night before, but was reluctant to venture out. He felt embarrassed about the way he had acted after walking in on Sirius and Gideon, and was still struggling to control the anger that bubbled up within him anytime he thought about the whole thing.

 

At noon, he heard Sirius get up and putter around in the kitchen. After a few minutes and at least one broken mug, there was a tentative knock on his bedroom door.

 

“Come in,” he called from his blanket cocoon.

 

Sirius came in, carrying two mugs of tea. “Hey,” he said. He raised an eyebrow when he spotted Remus was still in bed. “Are you sick?”

 

“No.” Remus bit his tongue. What the fuck was wrong with him?

 

Sirius sat down on Remus bed. Remus attempted to scoot away from him subtly, but it’s hard to do anything subtly when your wrapped in two quilts and a comforter.

 

“Ok good,” Sirius said. “Do you want to play games tonight?”  
  
Remus perked up slightly. “Sure,” he said quickly, relieved Sirius hadn’t brought up the previous night. “I’ll text the group.”

 

Sirius smiled at him. “Cool. I’ll let Gideon know as well.”

 

Remus stiffened, feeling his insides give an unpleasant churn. “Oh,” he said, wracking his brain for an excuse. “I might not be able to stay for very long though.”

  
Sirius just stared at him, waiting. “Because I have…er. Marking,” Remus finished lamely.

 

“Marking,” Sirius repeated slowly. “I thought you finished that. Last night.”  


“Yes well,” Remus floundered for a moment, feeling like a total git. “You know how I am with maths.”

 

Sirius let out a huff of frustration. “Look Remus, if you’ve got like…a problem with Gideon—“

 

“I don’t have a problem with you and Gideon!” Remus said quickly. “What would make you think I had a problem?”

 

Sirius ran a hand through his hair, nostrils flared and eyes flashing dangerously. “Last night, after you walked in on us. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look that pissed. You blew me off when I tried to talk to you after. And then this morning,” he gestured wildly at Remus. “You hermit away in your room like you’re avoiding me and then make up the worlds lamest excuse when I try mention Gideon might come again tonight.”

 

“I just…it was a surprise. To walk in on you guys. You caught me off guard,” Remus said, desperate to make Sirius understand. “And I felt awkward.”

 

“You felt awkward? You weren’t the one caught with your pants down,” Sirius snapped.

 

“That’s not fair!” Remus snapped back. “You’ve never brought anyone home. You haven’t even mentioned Gideon at all, and then suddenly he’s your boyfriend? I was totally blindsided!”

 

“Totally blindsided by what? I’m not a fucking monk, I’m entitled to a goddamn sex life,” Sirius yelled.

 

Remus felt another intense flare of anger. “I never said you weren’t entitled to a sex life! I just didn’t know your sex life was…with him.”

 

Remus blushed furiously, realizing how stupid he sounded. Sirius’ face flashed between several different emotions very quickly, and Remus was confused by all of them.

 

“What the ever loving fuck does that mean, with him. Who else is it supposed to be with?” Sirius demanded.

 

Remus realized he had absolutely no answer that wasn’t absolute incoherent nonsense. “I don’t know,” he said quietly.

 

Sirius stared at him, eyes filled with some unknown emotion, until he caught a second wind of anger.

 

“And it’s not sudden,” Sirius snapped. “We’ve gone on a couple of dates.”

 

“You’ve literally never mentioned,” Remus repeated, feeling childish.

 

“But the way you were acting,” Sirius shook his head. “Your face was exactly like Reg’s when he caught me snogging Caradoc Dearborne.”

 

Remus flinched. “That’s…harsh,” he said quietly.

 

Sirius was 16 when Regulus had walked in on him snogging his first, and up until Gideon, only boyfriend. Sirius had begged his brother not to tell their parents, who were extremely conservative and overbearing to the extreme. His parents found out, and the fallout had been violent and messy, to say the least.

 

“Yeah. Well, it might be harsh, but it’s also true,” Sirius said coldly. “Do you have a problem with it?”

 

Remus opened his mouth, but no words came out. The truth was, he did have a problem with it, but he didn’t want to admit it. Especially not to Sirius. Unfortunately, he didn’t need to say anything for Sirius to realize what his hesitation implied.

 

“Look,” Sirius said, getting off the bed and walking towards the door. “You need to sort your shit out. If me being gay is a problem—“

 

“It’s not a problem!” Remus shouted, almost rolling off the bed as he struggled to get up. “Sirius you’re one of my best—“

 

Sirius held up a hand. “I know,” he said shortly. “But if you’re going to look at me like you did last night anytime Gideon comes over, we’re going to have a bigger problem. You need to sort this…this homophobic bullshit out, or else we’re going to have to have a different kind of conversation.”

  
“What do you mean?” Remus said, knowing exactly what it meant.

  
“You know what the fuck it means, Remus. Stop being such an arsehole and sort you bullshit _out_. I mean it. Sort it out or else find another place to live.”

 

And with that sobering thought, Sirius turned on his heel and stalked out of Remus’ room.

 

“Fuck,” Remus muttered to himself, flopping down onto his bed. “ _Fuck.”_


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback to Sirius coming out to the other Marauders.
> 
> Remus feels sorry for himself, Lily finally gets him to admit he's jealous and probably not just in a friend way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next: Remus and Sirius have The Talk.

_“You’re probably wondering why I’ve gathered you all here today,” Sirius announced, gesturing dramatically around their dorm._

_“You’re finally announcing your engagement to Professor McGonagall.”_

_Sirius threw a pillow at James, who caught it deftly and slammed it back at him with alarming accuracy. Sirius ducked, the pillow missing him by centimeters. Remus turned the page of the book he was reading._

_  
“Wrong-o, Jaime boy. No I have gathered you all today because—“_

_“You have an insatiable need for attention,” Remus droned, still not looking up from his book. Sirius’ constant need for attention was nothing new, and over the years it had become somewhat of an endurance test as to who could wait out his dramatics the longest. Remus always lost._

_“No,” Sirius complained. “Stop interrupting. You should be ashamed Moony, a respectable Prefect like yourself should have better manners. Honestly, it’s like you were raised by wolves.”_

_“Oh very droll,” Remus said dryly. “Name puns, really? Have we been transported back to first year? My vote still stands you know Padfoot. I think Snuffles fits you much better.””_

_“Moony,” Sirius whined. “Shut it, this is important. No I gathered you all today—“_

_“But you haven’t gathered us,” Peter interrupted, walking out of the bathroom. “We live here.”_

_  
Sirius sighed heavily and shot Peter an exasperated look. Peter returned Sirius’ glare with a polite look of confusion. “Have I missed something?” he asked, looking to James._

_“Sirius is about to announce something important, which is why he’s gathered us all here, in the dorm that we share and are thusly confined to because it’s after nine on a weekday,” James summarized helpfully. “Moony have I missed anything?”_  
  
“Like you’ve never broken curfew,” Remus said dryly, his nose still in his book.

_“You’re one to talk oh great and honorable Prefect.”_

_“That’s rich, coming from the bloke whose detention count is in triple digits.”_

_“Oi, that’s a point of pride mate. It’s bragging rights—“_

_Sirius let out a whine of frustration. “Please,” he said earnestly. “I swear I’m not being an arse, it actually is important.”_

_Remus looked up and shut his book, surprised by the pleading in Sirius’ voice. When Sirius wanted attention, he didn’t ask for it. He demanded it. James wriggled down towards the end of his bed and was sitting up, looking expectant._

_“Alright,” James said. “Sorry Sirius, what’s up.”_

_Sirius pinched a lock of hair and started twisting it around his index finger. His lips were worried into a thin frown, but his eyes were dark and determined._

_James looked at Remus, one eyebrow quirked as if to say “have you got any idea where this is going?” Remus gave a tiny shake of his head, trying to communicate silently to James that he too had no idea what Sirius was about to say. They both turned to Peter, who shrugged, frowning slightly._

_James broke the uncomfortable silence. “Padfoot?”_

_“I think I’m gay.”_

_Everyone was silent. Remus’ stomach lurched and he cursed his own stupidity—it had been over a month since they had accidentally spotted Sirius snogging Caradoc Dearborne at the Three Broomsticks. He should have figured this conversation was inevitable, sooner or later._

_The awkward silence had gone on for too long, and Remus thought vaguely that someone should probably do something other than look politely surprised. Sirius looked at each of them in turn, eyes fierce, as if daring them to react badly._

_  
“Yeah,” James said quietly. “We sort of figured.”_

_Sirius eyebrows shot up, and he looked at James like he had just called Lily Evans a fat, ugly cow. “What? How could you possibly have known?_

_Remus looked at James, who was clearly struggling to explain without saying “well we sort of figured it out after we saw you stick your face on another blokes face”. After spotting Sirius that night, they had agreed not to tell him they had seen him. Peter had thought it was more respectful of his privacy, and James had thought it was kinder to let him come to them when he was ready. Remus had no idea what to do, and followed their lead._

_“Well,” Remus said, internally flailing for an answer that was not either incredibly rude or the truth. “We just sort of figured.”_

_Smooth, Remus thought to himself. Really fucking smooth, just repeat what James said, but be ten thousand times more awkward and a billion time less convincing._  
  


_“What does that mean?” It was like Sirius’ face couldn't decide which emotion to express—one moment, he looked infuriated, the next terrified, the next relieved. Remus felt a pang of guilt, and tried again._

_“You just,” Remus continued, thumbing the dust cover of his book. “You get a lot of attention from girls, but you never actually do anything about it.”_  
  


_Sirius cocked an eyebrow, looking unconvinced. “But James gets a lot of attention from girls too.”_

_“Yeah,” James agreed quickly, shooting Remus an appreciative look. “But literally everyone and their mother knows I’m embarrassingly in love with Lily. And Pete is...”_

_“Romantically repulsed,” Peter offered._

_“Exactly.” Remus breathed a sigh of relief, but Sirius wasn’t done questioning them quite yet._

_“Yeah but,” Sirius continued, disbelief heavy in his voice. “What about you?”_

_Remus flushed slightly. He thought he knew where Sirius was going, but was really hoping he was wrong. “What about me?”_

_“You haven’t had a girlfriend,” Sirius rationalized. “But girls have asked.”_

_“Only one.” Remus blushed. “And it didn’t exactly go well.”_

_Mary MacDonald had asked him to the Yule Ball, a fancy event hosted by the school for students, their parents and alumni. Remus hadn’t had fancy dress appropriate for the event (nor parents that were willing to attend with him) and was too embarrassed to admit that to Mary. Instead, he had made up some terrible, obviously fake excuse about visiting his sick great-aunt._

_Sirius was staring at Remus. He didn’t look angry anymore, but there was still a note of hurt lingering on his face._

_“I guess I just don’t understand why you would assume I’m gay when everything you just said to explain how you figured it out could apply to Remus too.”_

_“It’s not the same,” Remus said, wriggling uncomfortably. It wasn’t the same. Sirius was a handsome, smart, charismatic bloke who pointedly did not date any girl at Hogwarts, although many had expressed interest. Remus was, well. Definitely not in the same league as Sirius._

_“I mean, look at me, I’m a scholarship student with an overbite and bad fashion sense. No one that goes to this school wants to date someone like me. And even if they did…”_

_“That’s not true,” Sirius said, voice low. “There are people who want to date you.”_

_“I’m pretty sure Mary wants nothing to do with me, and unless I have a very, very secret admirer…” Remus trailed off, shrugging. “It doesn’t bother me.”_

_Sirius opened his mouth to argue, but James held up a hand. “This isn’t about Remus, this is about you,” James said shortly. “We saw you with Dearborne.”_

_Sirius closed his mouth. “Oh.”_

_The four boys looked around awkwardly for a moment. “When?” Sirius asked._

_“Few weeks ago,” James responded._

_“Oh.”_

_“After the football match against Durmstrang. Remus, Pete and I were walking into the Three Broomsticks and you two were—“_

_“Oh.”_

_“We didn’t want to tell you and make you feel like we were confronting you or whatever,” Remus said quickly. “So we decided to wait until you were ready to tell us.”_

_“Oh.”_  
  


_“For fucks sake Sirius, buy another vowel,” James demanded, frustrated by the stalemate the conversation had hit._

_“Just…why didn’t you tell me straight away? Why pretend like you figured it out like some sexuality Sherlock Holmes instead of just saying you saw me snog a bloke?_

_“We wanted to respect your privacy,” Remus replied._

_James nodded emphatically. “And we weren’t sure if Dearborne was out or what the situation was.”_

_“We didn’t want to come at you and feel like it was three against one or something. And it didn’t make sense to just have one of us talk to you because we had all seen it,” Peter explained._

_Sirius nodded. “Alright.”_

_There was an uncomfortable beat where everyone felt like they had probably done something horribly wrong._

_Finally Sirius broke the silence. “Dearborne and I. We’re…together. Not publically, but…”_

_“That’s great Sirius,” Peter said._

_Sirius made a noncommittal sound. “I can’t tell anyone else. Not with my family. But I didn’t want to hide. Not from you three, anyway.”_

_“I can understand that,” Remus replied softly. Sirius gave him a tiny smile. Abusive families and sordid pasts were something Remus and Sirius had in common. But despite their past, they had found their own makeshift family at boarding school. Sirius had declared their kinship a blessing brought about by fate, Remus had called it a cliché brought about by hormones._

_“We’re your friends, we’re not going to abandon you for loving someone,” Remus said quietly._

_James clapped Sirius on the back. “We’re sorry we didn’t come to you straight away mate. But you’re my brother, I love whoever you love.”_  
  
“Exactly,” Peter agreed. 

_Sirius grinned, and his shoulders relaxed slightly. “Thank god for that,” he said._

_After the difficult conversation, James declared they all deserved to treat themselves. After rummaging around in his messy trunk, he produced a bottle of whiskey and their version of drunk Jenga. The four friends proceeded to get uproariously drunk and teepee the Slytherin common room at three in the morning._

 

Remus’ phone vibrated on the coffee table. He tried to ignore it, couldn’t and picked it up. He read through a string of messages from Lily, an even longer string of messages from James, and a single text from Peter.

 

_Amy Ponds Hair (2:40PM) why have you upset the Godfather, he’s over here with “presents”_

_Amy Ponds Hair (2:40PM) You should probably just come over after Sirius and James inevitably take Harry somewhere under the pretense of “male bonding”_

_Amy Ponds Hair (2:42PM) So just to be clear, if you’re not here by 3:30 I’m coming over there and calling Mrs. Potter to tell her you hate her chocolate biscuits_

 

\---

_Prongs (2:43PM) Moony What The Duck Is Happening_

_Prongs (2:43PM) y is padfoot so upset with you_

_Prongs (2:47PM) o shit_

_Prongs (2:49PM) u walked in on him and gid?_

_Prongs (2:49PM) this has to be some sort of misunderstanding right_

_Prongs (2:49PM) ur not actually homophobic_

_Prongs (2:50PM) r u???????????1_

_Prongs (2:50PM) u should definitely come over like, yesterday_

_  
Prongs (2:55PM) o shit padfoot wants to take harry to the zoo_

_Prongs (2:55PM) he’s being v insistent and should not be left alone with small children in his current Really Ducking Angry state, so im going 2_

_Prongs (2:56PM) but definitely come over to talk to lily pls pls pls she’s better at feelings crap_

_Prongs (2:57PM) txt me back you arsehole_

 

\---

_Peteypie (3:01) yikes dude lol_

Remus sighed. All he really wanted to do was wrap himself back up in his burrito blanket and continue to stare sadly at the cup of tea Sirius had left for him. He was contemplating if Lily would actually call Mrs. Potter, and if Mrs. Potter would actually stop sending him chocolate biscuits, when his phone buzzed again.

 

_Amy Ponds Hair (3:23) fuck you, I’m outside your flat and if you don’t open the door I will smoke your dumb butt out_

Remus groaned, and rolled out of bed. Wearing his comforter like a cape, he shuffled to the front door and opened it a crack.

 

Lily burst through the door, looking royally annoyed. “Remus what the fuck,” she demanded, stalking past him and into the living room.

 

“Please, come in,” he grumbled, following her.

 

She sat down on the couch, looking at him expectantly. “Aren’t you going to sit down?” she said.

 

“Not there,” he replied stubbornly. He sat down on the floor.

 

Lily looked at him incredulously. “You’re not going to sit on the couch.”  


“No,” Remus hugged the comforter more tightly around him.

 

“Because you’re afraid you’re going to catch the gay off of it or for some other, less insane reason?”

 

Remus buried his head in his hands. There was a long pause, but when Lily spoke again, her voice was concerned instead of angry. “Remus, tell me what happened.”

 

Remus told her everything. Walking in on Sirius and Gideon. The aftermath last night. This morning. She listened to him with a contemplative look on her face.

 

“So, yeah. I apparently have a lot of repressed homophobia and Sirius hates me. Which I understand. I hate me too.” He paused, feeling miserable and small.

 

Lily was smiling down at him with a knowing look in her eye. She slid off the couch and settled next to him. “Do you remember when James and I told you we were engaged?” she asked, leaning her head gently on his shoulder.

 

“What?” He looked down at her, confused. “What does that have to do with anything?”

 

“Do you remember?”

 

“Yeah…”

 

“And do you remember Sirius’ reaction?”

 

“He got really drunk and poured ketchup down James’ trousers.”

 

Lily hummed, smiling at the memory. “And then?”

  
“And then he and James shouted at each other for a while. Then they made up and Sirius poured ketchup down his own trousers to make things even.”

 

“How do you think Sirius was feeling?”

 

“I don't know, probably upset,” he said, feeling lost. “He always wants to be the center of attention, especially to James.” What was Lily getting at?

 

Lily rolled her eyes at him. “Use your words Remus. What kind of upset.”

 

“What’s the—“

 

“I’ll tell you the point once you’ve answered me. How was Sirius feeling?”

 

“I don’t know, probably jealous.”

 

“Yeah. Jealous.” Lily looked at him like he was missing something painfully obvious, like an elephant on a unicycle.

 

“So? What was the point of that? It’s not like Sirius wanted to marry James.”

 

Lily grinned and let out a little chuckle. “No,” she agreed. “Though sometimes I do wonder. Sirius was jealous of losing his friend. Isn’t that…sort of how you’re feeling?”

 

Remus thought about it for a moment. Part of him thought Lily was right, that he was just worried about losing Sirius to his boyfriend and being left alone. But another part of him, the small, secret part of him he barely acknowledged, thought that Gideon should be punched repeatedly in his stupid, handsome face.

 

“I think you’re right, but…”

  
“But?”

 

“But Sirius was mad at James, not at you. Shouldn’t I be mad at Sirius?”  
  
Lily looked at him curiously. “Who are you mad at?”  


“Gideon!” Remus exclaimed. “Gideon and his stupid…face.”

 

Lily cocked an eyebrow at him. “His stupid…face?”

 

“Yes!” Why was she looking at him like that? Why didn’t she agree that Gideon’s face was stupid?

 

Lily let out a gasp, her green eyes wide and sparkling with sudden understanding. “Remus, imagine Sirius kissing Gideon.”

 

“What? No why the—“

  
“You’re already imagining it so shut it. Now imagine him kissing a girl.”

 

“No I don’t want to—“

  
“Why don’t you want to? It’s just your imagination, doesn’t mean anything.”

 

“BECAUSE!” Remus shouted. Why was he shouting? Why was he so angry?

 

“Because WHY?”

 

“Because I don’t want to imagine ANYONE kissing Sirius.”

  
Lily looked at him like he was finally starting to notice the elephant on a unicycle. “And why don’t you want to imagine that?”

 

“I don’t know,” Remus snapped back. “That’s a weird thing to do, imagining your friends kissing people. Who does that?”

 

Lily looked at him like he had just failed to notice the elephant had brought out flaming batons and was juggling them dangerously close to his face.

 

“Ok, if you were to imagine James and me kissing, or watch me and James kissing, which has happened a lot over the past decade, would you care?”

 

“No…” Remus trailed off. There was a crack in the back of his mind and a slow drip of understanding was trying to push between it.

  
“If you were to see Alice kissing another bloke, would you care?”

  
Remus hesitated. “Probably not.”

 

“Would you care if you saw two random blokes snogging?”

 

“What? No, of course not.” Remus felt the crack grow bigger and the slow drip speed up.

 

“Would you care if you saw Peter and James kiss?”

 

“That happened once in sixth form. Truth or dare.”

  
“And did it bother you?”

 

Remus felt the crack crumble, and the drop became a steady stream. “No it didn’t bother me.”

 

“So then why does it bother you when it’s Sirius?”

 

The wall crumbled and a sudden wave of understanding washed over him like a tsunami.

 

“Because,” he whispered. “I’m jealous.”

 

Lily grinned at him triumphantly. “Fucking finally.”

 

Remus was staring vaguely at the wall, his vision slightly out of focus. How thick did he have to be to not notice he was jealous? Now that he _was_ think about it, it was like the jealousy had filled him up completely, consuming him with anger and an insatiable need to keep Sirius as far away from Gideon as humanely possible.

 

“How did you do that?” he demanded, turning to Lily in awe. “Are you magic?”

 

Lily laughed. “Not magic. You two are just…not very subtle. I always thought Sirius was the drama queen but right now you definitely give him a run for his money.”

 

Remus grinned sheepishly. “I guess I deserve that.”

 

“It’s alright. Now, please, for the sake of my sanity and Harry’s blood sugar level, please fix this.”

 

“How?”

  
Lily looked at him seriously. “That is entirely up to you,” she said. “But I’d tell him.”

 

“That seems like the absolute worst thing to do.” Remus thought about how that conversation would go. “Sirius, I’m not angry that you’re gay. I’m angry that you’re gay with someone who isn’t me. No, I’m not sure what that means either. No, I didn’t think this through. Care for a quick snog?”

 

No, that conversation would end in a fistfight and possible hospitalization. And what about Gideon? Sirius was happy, and Gideon was a person, a person who Remus presumably wouldn’t hate under different circumstances. Who was Remus to get in the way of their happiness?

 

“Maybe,” she agreed. “I’m not saying it will make things better, but it definitely won’t make them any worse. You can’t let Sirius walk around believing you hate him. He thinks you’ve rejected him for something he can’t change. And as hurt as he is, I think he’s more afraid of losing you than anything else.”

 

Lily got up to go to the kitchen, mentioning something about tea. Remus sat on the floor, lost in thought for a moment. _How the fuck did I not notice?_ He thought angrily. _What the fuck do I do now?_


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BACKSTORY AND EXPOSITION TIME Y'ALL
> 
> Remus explores his past, present and future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (The italics include descriptions of a car crash and a fight. It's like...PG-13, by no means graphic or over the top violent. But if you're sensitive to that kinda thing, I'd skip it or proceed with caution.)

_Remus was eight years old._

_Mum was taking him to the cinema as a surprise treat for Valentine’s Day. His dad was meeting them there, and Remus got to pick the film they were going to see. The Spice Girls were blasting on the radio, and Remus was singing along loudly, while his mum did silly dance moves._

_CRASH. Remus smacked his head hard against the window. He smelled the burnt rubber as the tires skid desperately against the pavement. His heart dropped into his stomach when the car flipped, the seatbelt was digging harsh angry lines into his chest and his mum was screaming his name. He tried to speak, but when he opened his mouth it filled with the salty metallic taste of blood._

_And then, he was unconscious._

_When he woke up in the hospital the next day, he begged the nurse for his mum. “I’m sorry love,” she said. “We’ve got to wait for your father.”_

_Finally, his dad came into his room. Tears were streaming down his face, and he looked thunderstruck to see Remus with his eyes open. “Oh thank god,” his dad said weakly, before fainting on the ugly grey linoleum floor._

_Remus screamed._

_***_

_Remus was ten years old._  
  


_There was a boy. Remus didn’t know his name, and he didn’t care. He was a couple years older and big, bigger than Remus. He had been taunting Remus for months, for his scars, for the accident, for not talking to anyone._

_Remus was beating him senseless._

_Later, as he sat in the Headmaster’s office, he was surprised at how empty he felt. “I’m sorry,” he said, over and over again. But he wasn’t. The boy had been cruel, and Remus had defended himself. What else was he expected to do?_

_“I understand this has been a difficult time for you both, but unfortunately my hands are tied. I’ve taken the liberty of finding you some pamphlets of private schools. Unfortunately, no public school will accept him now.”_

_“I can’t afford that,” Remus’ dad said, desperation in his voice. “Money’s been…tight since the accident.”_

_The Headmaster nodded his head. “Take a look at Hogwarts, they have a decent scholarship program and aren’t very picky about who they accept.”_

_Remus stared at his shoes. There was a fleck of blood on the toe of his trainer and his knuckles were burning._

 

_“They couldn’t be very picky,” he bit out, anger rising like bile in his throat. “If they’d accept me.”_

_***_

_Remus was eleven years old and definitely not crying. It was his first night at boarding school, the sheets were itchy, and the other students in his dormitory would not shut the fuck up._

_One of the other boys, a chubby blond boy called Dave or Paul or something, was sniffling by the window. The other two boys, whose names Remus had not bothered to ask, were sitting with him and murmuring comforting words._

_“It’s alright mate,” the dark haired boy whispered._

_The boy with giant, coke bottle glasses grinned. “Yeah,” he agreed. “Chin up Pete, it’s alright to be homesick the first couple of nights.”_

_The small, round boy, Peter apparently, hiccoughed and gave them a watery smile. “Thanks,” he sniffled._

_Remus fought to keep silent while he (didn’t) cry. He wasn’t even sure why he was not-crying. What he was sure of was that if he didn’t cry or scream or punch something, he was going to explode. He also wanted the others to go to bed, so he could get up and cry in the bathroom like a normal person._

_“Hey.” Remus felt his bed dip as one of the boys sat down next to him. He thought it was the dark haired one. He didn’t care. He didn’t answer._

_“I know you’re pretending to be asleep,” the boy said. Remus hated him. He hated all of him, but he hated this one the most._

_“So.”_

_“So…do you wanna talk about it?”_

_  
“No.”_

_“But you’re crying.”_

_“M’not.”_

_“OK, I get it. I’ll go.”_

_Remus was silent. The boy got off his bed, and Remus felt a pang of…something._

_“Thanks. For checking.” He said it into his pillow, so the other boy might not hear._

 

_“Your welcome. G’night Remus.”_

_How did the boy know his name?_

_***_

_The next morning, Remus skipped breakfast so he could do some more not-crying. He thought he was alone, but after five minutes of definitely NOT crying, the bathroom door opened. The dark haired boy emerged and Remus flopped over face down on his pillow._

_“Hey.”_

_He really hated the dark haired boy. Why wouldn’t he leave him alone?_

_“Do you wanna talk about it now?”_

_“NO!” Remus roared. “Leave me the fuck ALONE.”_

_The boy didn’t even flinch. “No.”_

_“No?”_

_“No. Now talk or I'll sit on your head.”_

_Remus hesitated. The boy seemed serious, and Remus didn't fancy the idea of getting into a fight on his second day. I don’t like…”_

_  
“Crying in front of other people? Mate, no one likes that. That’s like, just being a person I think. Can’t you talk to someone?”_

_“Don’t…have anyone.”_

_The boy didn’t react, didn’t even look surprised. “Well you have me. I’m Sirius, by the way.”_

_“What?”_

_“You have me. My name is Sirius. Say what you need to say, or else you’re gonna explode. I don’t much fancy innards all over my bed.”_

_“But then…won’t it be…weird?”_

_The boy—Sirius, shrugged. “Only if you make it weird.”_

 

 _Remus studied him for a long while. “You really mean that don’t you.”_  
  


_The boy raised his eyebrows. “That things only get weird if you make them weird? I mean, it’s not like a definitive theory but I’m almost positive that—“_

_  
“No,” Remus interrupted. “No, I mean, you really mean I could talk to you and you’d not be weird.”_

_  
“That’s literally what I said about five minutes ago, yeah.”_

_Remus nodded. “OK. Yeah, ok, I’m fine now. Actually no, not fine. Starving. I’m starving. Let’s go get breakfast.”_

_This time, Sirius did look slightly taken aback. “Don’t you wanna like…talk?”_

_“Nah,” Remus grabbed his bag, and walked over to the door. “I think I just needed someone to offer. Thanks. I’m fine now.”_

_Sirius let out a low whistle. “Damn. Alright, well offer stands. If you change your mind and want to talk.”_

_“Thanks,” Remus smiled at him. “Promise you’ll be the first to know if I do.”_

_Sirius grinned back at him, and Remus felt like he was floating. He had a friend he could talk to. Now he just needed to figure out what to say._

***

 

After force-feeding him a cheese toastie, Lily announced it was time for her to leave so he could “mull things over.” Remus privately felt leaving him alone with the clusterfuck that was his current emotional state was irresponsible, but that was probably the crushing fear of rejection talking.

 

“I can’t be your emotional navigator forever,” she said, shrugging into her coat.

 

“But that’s literally your job,” Remus replied, half sarcastic, half desperate for her to stay and continue telling him what to do.

 

Lily rolled her eyes at him. “I prefer to stick to the unwritten code of psychologists to never shrink friends. That shit ends in tears every time.”

 

“Ours, no doubt.”  


“Well that goes without saying.” Lily turned back to look at him, a puzzling look on her face.

 

“Don’t blame yourself too much Remus.”  
  
Remus sagged sadly into himself. “What’s too much? It’s all my fault, I deserve all the blame.”  


Lily shook her head at him, smiling sadly. “It’s not,” she said firmly. “It’s really, really not.”

 

Once Lily left, Remus lay down on his bed and stared at the ceiling. He attempted to sift through the unidentifiable emotions tumbling around in his mind. But as he lay there, the only solution he could come up with was to bottle everything up and forget the whole thing happened. What else could he do? He had the emotional processing capacity of a single cell organism, for fucks sake. What was the point of opening up this can of worms, when he couldn’t even articulate what he wanted in the first place? It wasn’t fair to Sirius, not when he had finally found happiness. Even if that happiness was with a stupid, handsome football playing butthead.

 

He had _almost_ convinced himself that doing nothing was the best option. But there was a small, persistent voice in the back of his mind, a voice that sounded suspiciously like Sirius. He tried to ignore it, but just like it’s real-life counterpart, the Sirius in his mind would not shut up.

_You owe this to yourself._

_You’re being a total self-pitying cock._

 

_You don’t have to walk through life like some emotionally constipated old man._

_It doesn’t actually have to be this way._

_  
You need to try._

Things were starting to get out of hand—what was he even trying to talk himself into? He told himself, rather firmly, to stop thinking about Sirius. Just. Stop thinking about him. Stop thinking about Sirius.

 

Sirius. Expressive, beautiful Sirius. The person he inarguably loved most in the world. The person who, inexplicably, unconditionally loved him back.

 

But it didn’t make any sense to Remus. Sirius was so _generous_ with his love. He had managed to be open to love, despite his upbringing. Born into an aristocratic and deeply conservative family, Sirius had been raised by a mother with an iron fist, forced to conform by any means necessary. But he had rejected his families backwards values time and time again—and ultimately it cost him his inheritance and his family. But even in the face of such profound rejection, Sirius healed. He loved. He found a new family in James, Peter, Lily…and Remus.

 

Remus knew it had not actually been that easy—Sirius had struggled, constantly testing the boundaries and conditions of their friendship. But that had been ages ago, years. And now, as an adult, the darkness in his past might not have been totally forgotten or forgiven, but Sirius…well, he was Sirius. He loved. Unconditionally, fiercely.

  
And then there was Remus, who had learned to control his insatiable anger and sadness and every other extreme emotion. Rather than deal with any of it, he packed away his emotions into neat little boxes and shoved them off into the far reaches of his mind. For a really long time, he thought his systematic compartmentalizing was a good thing—he was letting things go and moving on.

 

But now, he realized he had just been lying to himself. He was absolutely fucking _terrified_ of everything he refused to let himself feel. And he had had enough.

  
No more. It might be 15 years late, but he was finally going to take Sirius up on his offer to talk. He knew what he needed to say.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SMUT COMING UP NEXT

Remus spent the rest of the afternoon working out the right thing to say and watching _Friends_ reruns to distract himself. It was almost nine when he got a text from James.

 

_Prongs: mad dog ETA 5 mins_

_Moony: thx prongs_

_  
Prongs: yall better sort your shit out_

_Moony: yes deer_

_Prongs: lol_

_  
Prongs: but actually don't fuck this up or else someone is getting beat up and it’s probably all of us_

_Moony: he’s here_

 

Remus heard the door open, but Sirius didn’t call out to him. He heard Sirius puttering about in the entryway, and trudge into the kitchen. He stood up from the couch and went to meet him.

 

“Hey. How was the zoo?”

  
Sirius didn’t look at him. “Fine.”

 

“Did Harry make you wear that?”

 

Sirius looked down at the Moana shirt he was still wearing. It was a child size XXL, and obscenely tight on Sirius. He had ripped the arms off, which should have looked stupid but somehow didn't. The shirt also barely covered his stomach, exposing the purple glint of his navel piercing. He tugged on the hem self-consciously.

  
“Oh, yeah. Forgot I was still wearing it.”

 

Remus smiled. He thought Sirius looked rather adorable, standing in their kitchen wearing a too-tight t-shirt, cheeks pink from a day in the sun.

 

He was overwhelmed with the sudden need to reach out, to touch Sirius. He was also mildly surprised that he _wasn’t_ surprised by that thought. He gulped.

 

“That’s hard to believe. It’s really tight.”

 

Remus felt himself start to panic. _Abort, abort. Wait until he’s wearing looser clothes._

Sirius raised his eyebrows, finally looking Remus in the eye. “Problem?”

 

“Er,” Remus choked out. “No, sorry, it’s just distracting.”

 

Sirius’ eyebrows disappeared into his fringe. Remus knew if this had been a normal Saturday, Sirius would have wiggled at him in fake-seduction, making lewd remarks about other distractions they could be doing.

 

He longed for those days, when Sirius would pretend to hit on him and Remus would pretend to fall for it. _Except you weren’t really pretending_ he thought sharply. _You were just being an emotionally constipated arse._

 

“My Disney Princess shirt is too tight and it’s distracting you,” Sirius said flatly, one eyebrow raised.

 

Remus thought he saw a vague look of amusement flit across Sirius’ face, but it was gone before he could be sure. “Er...I need to talk to you,” he squeaked out.

 

“Ok. Talk.”

 

As if to emphasis his willingness to listen, Sirius sat down at the table. Remus mimicked him, not sure what else to do. He looked down at his hands, trying to summon the courage to begin. He took a deep breath.

 

“Do you remember our first morning at Hogwarts?”

 

There was a pause.

 

“Not specifically.”

 

Remus looked up. Sirius’ voice was as expressive as his face—and his tone was off. Almost like he was lying. _Why would he lie about remembering that?_

“Oh. Well the night before, you came over to my bed and asked if I was ok. I sort of…er….snapped at you. You buggered off, but the next morning you caught me crying in the dormitory.”

 

“What does that have to do with anything?”

 

“And then, you said, well…you said if I wanted to talk to you about it I could.”

 

There was a long, pregnant pause. Remus realized he had been holding his breath and let it out with a puff.

 

“And?”

  
“And, I know it might be 15 years too late, but…but if the offer still stands…” Remus trailed off. He traced the crescent scar with his index finger.

 

“Remus that was ages ago,” Sirius said finally. “I don’t…I mean. I don’t know. We’re not eleven anymore, and you can’t even fucking look at me.”

 

Remus felt tears well up, and shame burn it’s way up his neck. He was glad he was still looking down at his hands.

 

“Ok,” he whispered. “I’m sorry. I’ll just—“

 

He stood up to leave. He had tried, he really had, but it was no use. He moved around the table, eager to go back into his room and hide.

 

But before he could get very far there was a large, warm body blocking him. A gentle finger lifted his chin up, and he tried to resist it. Sirius was trying to force him to look at him, but Remus was too ashamed and conflicted to comply. He wanted to back away, but Sirius held him firmly in place.

 

Eyes downcast, Remus curled into himself, trying to disappear. Sirius swiped his thumb against Remus’ cheekbone, wiping away the wetness that had collected there.

 

“Jesus,” Sirius muttered. “You’re crying.”

 

A small, traitorous part of Remus’ mind was thrilled and relieved Sirius was touching him. Feeling selfish and a little reckless, he leaned his face into Sirius hand.

 

The burning touch was like an anchor, and he was overcome with the need to be even closer. He took a tiny step forward, grazing his chest against Sirius’. Sirius shivered, but Remus was too distracted by the warm body heat and soothing touch to notice.

 

“I haven’t seen you cry since we were eleven,” Sirius said softly.

 

Remus wiped away tears angrily. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry for everything. I’m so sorry Sirius. I don’t hate you, I don’t hate Gideon, I don’t…I’m not. I don’t know how to talk about it and I—“

 

“Remus, look at me.”

  
Caught off guard by the authority in Sirius’ tone, his eyes flickered up before he could think. Sirius was looking up at him, his face inches away. Tears clung to his dark eyelashes, and his grey eyes were filled with concern and sadness. Remus was overwhelmed by the sudden intimacy of the moment.

 

“Pads,” he whispered. “I—“

 

“It’s ok,” Sirius said quickly. “You don’t need to...I mean, you remember how I got when James asked Lily to marry him. I just never expected it from…from you.”

 

“That’s not—“ _oh god._ “That’s not totally right.”

 

Sirius looked politely puzzled. “What do you mean?”

 

The alternate reality of the conversation was already playing out in his mind. _Sorry for being a jealous arse. Let’s have tea and you can tell me all about Gideon. Stupid, handsome, buttfaced Gideon._

_No. Tell him._

“I think,” _shut up, shut up, shut up._ “I think…that maybe I…maybe I…”

 

“You think you maybe?” Sirius had that infuriating look of polite confusion, like Remus had forgotten the word for hummus or crochet. Remus hated that look, he wanted—he _needed_ Sirius to understand.

 

“I think…oh my god I don’t even know how to fucking say it. You deserve better than this Sirius. I shouldn’t…I. Fuck. Fuck.”

 

Sirius relaxed his hold on Remus, but his expression changed. He was no longer looking at him like he had forgotten how to make toast. Instead, he was looking at him with a fierce intensity, a sort of desperation that made Remus’ heart shatter.

 

“Moony,” Sirius said softly. “Please.”

 

Remus let out a desperate groan. “I think I’m in love with you.”

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SMUTTY SMUT SMUT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did it. I wrote smut.

***

 

“I think I’m in love with you.”

 

Sirius let out a small gasp. “ _What?”_

 

Remus felt slightly hysterical. _Holy shit, what am I doing?_

 

“No. You know what? I don’t think I’m in love with you.”

  
Sirius gaped at him. Remus didn’t blame him. He wasn’t making that much sense. He needed to be clear. Really, painfully clear.

 

He took a step forward, so that the entire length of his body was pressed firmly against Sirius’. He rested both hands on either side of Sirius’ face, and ran a thumb slowly over Sirius’ cheekbone.

 

“I _know_ I’m in love with you.”

 

Remus pressed his lips gently to Sirius’. For a moment, he was taken over by sensation— the scratch of stubble, the taste of coconut lip balm, the smell of sweat and aftershave and _Sirius_.

 

But when Sirius didn’t respond right away, Remus realized he had probably overstepped his boundaries. Why had he been so impulsive? Sirius hadn’t even responded to his random love declaration, let alone indicated he was interested in reciprocating. Remus leaned back slightly, horrified, a thousand apologies on the tip of his tongue.

 

Sirius blinked dumbly for a moment, and let out a huff of frustration. Remus’ mind and body were currently at war over what to do—his mind was screaming at him to run, but his body was refusing to budge.

 

But then Sirius was wrapping an arm around the back of his neck and pulling him back down. Their lips brushed together gently, and Sirius’ eyes fluttered closed.

 

When Remus parted his lips, Sirius made a small, pleased sound in the back of his throat, and Remus felt his brain shut off completely. With a low growl, he walked Sirius backwards until his back hit the counter with a soft thud. His hands roamed over Sirius’ body freely, before coming to rest on the soft skin at the base of his back.

 

Remus pressed their hips together, and gasped when he felt how hard Sirius was against his hip. He felt just about ready to throw Sirius up onto the counter and do…well. Do _something_. He actually hadn’t thought he would get this far and was sort of fuzzy on the mechanics of what was supposed to happen next.

 

The realization that they needed to take a moment to actually communicate came crashing down around him, and Remus pulled away from Sirius reluctantly. Sirius let out a whine, his eyes still closed and cock still pressed insistently against Remus’ hip.

  
“Sirius,” Remus said softly, slightly breathless. “We have to talk about this.”

  
“Don’t want to talk,” Sirius mumbled. “Want you to fuck me.”

 

Remus couldn’t help the involuntary buck of his hips at that. “Fuck,” he breathed, trying to calm himself down. He forced himself to disentangle himself from Sirius and take a small step backwards.

 

Sirius pulled himself up to sit on the counter. Remus privately found this to be incredibly unhelpful. He dragged his eyes away from Sirius’ exposed stomach.

  
“So…about…er…” Remus gestured helplessly between himself and Sirius.

  
Sirius cocked an eyebrow at him. “About you jumping me in the middle of the kitchen like a hormonal teenager?”

 

Remus blushed. “Well…yeah.”

 

“I am definitely a fan, and would not mind it being a regular occurrence.” Sirius smirked at him.

 

Remus was at a lost. “Isn’t this…at all surprising to you?”

 

“Not really.”

 

“What…

 

Sirius shrugged. “I’ve been serious the entire time.”

 

Remus rolled his eyes at him. “That’s terrible and makes no sense.”

 

Sirius pulled him forward gently by the hand. Remus flopped against him, and Sirius nuzzled at the crook of his neck. “Remus, have you ever noticed how much I flirt with you?”

 

“It’s not _flirting—“_

Sirius stopped kissing along his collarbone and Remus let out a whine of frustration. “OK, have you noticed how it gets darker at night and lighter during the day?” Sirius asked.

 

Remus felt his hands drift up the back of Sirius’ shirt. “Well it wasn’t _real_ flirting.”

 

“It was absolutely real flirting, you dolt.”

 

Remus just stared at him. “But I…flirted back with you. Fake…flirted. Until it wasn't fake anymore. But I thought…it was just…the way we are together?”

 

Sirius smiled fondly at him. “It _is_ the way we are, love. Or it was. But I guess, somewhere along the way, I started to mean it.”

 

“Why didn’t you say something?”

 

“Oh, and what exactly was I supposed to say? Hey, Remus, mate, I think I’m in love with you. So if you could drastically reassess your sexuality that would be fucking ace, cheers. Yeah, that would have gone over really well.”

 

“I mean! It might have! We did just snog rather aggressively with…er…”

 

“Erections?” Sirius offered, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

  
Remus snorted. “I was going to say tongue.”

 

“Moony, I’ve been pining after you for a decade. I sure as hell wasn’t complaining about some fake flir—“ Sirius trailed off, looking mortified.

 

“A decade?” Remus whispered. “Fucking hell Sirius.”  


“Well it’s not like I asked for it to happen!” Sirius said hotly. “I was a recently outed 15 year old with confusing feelings for his best mate. And up until very recently, our friendship has been totally fine despite my...whatever. Also, I seem to remember this whole squabble being your fault?”

 

“Because I was figuring it out!” Remus shot back. “You’ve had ten fucking years to sort this shit out, I’ve had ten fucking minutes.”

 

“And what exactly have you sorted out, then? That we can’t even kiss for five minutes before screaming at each other? That you’ve been feeling me up throughout this entire stupid conversation and it’s driving me crazy?”

 

Sirius ran a hand down Remus’ chest, trailing it slowly down until he was gently cupping Remus' cock through his trousers. Sirius leaned forward so he was talking right into Remus’ ear.

 

“That you’re hard as _fuck_ right now and all I can think about is you fucking me.”

 

Remus let out a squeak, and Sirius’ hand dropped. “Sorry,” Sirius said softly.

 

“S’ok.”

 

Sirius’ hand began to slide up Remus’ back. Remus moved into Sirius without thinking. “I’d like to kiss you again, if that’s alright,” Sirius whispered.

 

Remus shuddered, already halfway to Sirius’ lips. He was really starting to question how he had managed to last this long without noticing his attraction to Sirius. He was like a moth to a flame, it was pathetic.

 

“What about Gideon,” he asked softly. “I can’t…I don’t want to get in the way.”

 

“We’re not exclusive,” Sirius replied. “We’ve been seeing each other a bit, but I know he’s also seeing another bloke from the footie team. Benji Fenwick, I think.”

 

“Really?” Remus hated how breathless he sounded.

 

“Yes,” Sirius said firmly. “I wouldn’t lie about that.”

  
“I know you wouldn’t,” Remus said reassuringly. “I just…I don’t like…the idea…of other people…touching you.”

 

Sirius kissed his neck. “Don’t really want anyone else touching me.”

 

“Good.” Remus said vehemently, before crashing his lips against Sirius’.

 

This time, Remus didn’t hold back. When Sirius wrapped his legs around his waist, Remus shoved his hands under his arse and lifted him up. “Bed,” he growled. “Now.”

 

Sirius nodded, disentagling himself and pulling Remus along by the wrist. When they got into Sirius’ bedroom, Sirius pushed Remus onto the bed. “Off,” he said tugging at Remus’ jumper. It took a few minutes of fumbling, but eventually they were both stripped down to their pants.

 

Remus could feel his heart beating wildly in his chest. His eyes roamed over Sirius’ body, hand extended slightly, but he hesitated.

 

“I don’t…actually know what I’m doing,” he confessed, before reaching out to palm Sirius through the thin cotton fabric of his pants.

 

Sirius let out a loud groan, hips bucking forward into Remus’ touch. Remus toyed with the elastic of the waistband, daring himself to pull Sirius' pants down and off. But before he could, Sirius’ stopped him with a gentle hand.

  
“Why don’t I show you first."

 

Remus watched as Sirius sunk to his knees. He pulled Remus’ pants down and off in one quick motion. Sirius gazed down at Remus’ cock, before glancing up into his eyes. Remus nodded, aching to touch and be touched. Sirius reached out and took him into his hand.  

 

“Holy fuck,” Remus gasped. “I didn’t know it could feel like this.”

 

Sirius smirked, and gave his cock a light squeeze. “Can I suck you?" 

 

Without waiting for an answer, Sirius lowered his mouth onto the head of Remus’ cock. He gave the tip one swirling lick, before taking the entire length deep into his throat. Remus let out an embarrassingly loud moan and felt himself teetering right on the edge. But he didn't want to come. Not yet.

  
"Sirius," Remus choked out. "Sirius wait."

 

Sirius pulled off the head of his cock with an obscene little  _pop_. Remus pulled him up by the shoulder, and kissed him for a long moment. He could taste himself on Sirius and the realization made him go dizzy with want. He broke the kiss, but just barely, so he was talking against Sirius' lips.

 

"I want to do something," Remus mumbled. "Something to you."

 

"Oh yeah?" 

 

Remus tucked his thumbs into Sirius pants and started slowly sliding them off. He smiled, thinking about all the things he was going to do to Sirius. Hopefully repeatedly. "Oh yeah," Remus repeated. "You have no idea."

 

 


End file.
